Animal

Illuminati Jokes

Lexi Venom & The Gutterflies - Turn On The Night

This is one of my songs. :)

FetLife

srsly tho

<Girl posts pic of her face on Fetlife>
Random Dude: I WANT TO CUM ON THAT.

<Girl posts pic of her ass on Fetlife>
Random Dude: I WANT TO CUM ON THAT.

<Girl posts pic of her 98 year old grandmother on Fetlife>
Random Dude: I WANT TO CUM ON THAT.

I'm SO WITTY

ok but srsly tho

I swear men think not wanting to have sex with a woman is some great achievement they need to be proud of and brag about all the time.

Shit, son, you're a magical creature you goddamn phoenix unicorn griffin King, you!

You're So.
Fucking.
Special.

We all wanted to know who you did and didn't wanna have sex with.

We were hanging on by a thread until you, in your benevolence, let us know that you would definitely not fuck Kim Kardashian and think Paris Hilton is 'nasty.'

Thanks for rescuing us from our ignorant, dark days!

Shirley. Fucking. Manson.

<3

I really hate Adam Levine's voice.

I didn't always. It was OK on the first Maroon 5 album. But now it's like he doesn't actually care about the words he's singing anymore, he just wants to see if he can turn syllables into marbles with his tongue.

He can sing, I just feel like he doesn't put any emotion into it and just makes high pitched soft noises instead.

Like, there are probably wood pigeons out there that hear Adam Levine and are like "I definitely want to mate right now."

Halloween Costumes

So, since it's that time of the year when everyone bitches about what everyone else is wearing for less than 24 hours, here's some costumes I want to see this Halloween:

- Zombie Han Solo.
- That alien Roger thing from American Dad.
- Beast. Yes, from X-Men.
- A Predator dressed as Wonder Woman. Yo dawg, I heard you like costumes.
- Squirtle. Also it's your Bar Mitzvah so every couple hours everyone has to pick you up on a chair and shout "WEYY."
- Casey Jones. Though you might wanna replace the baseball bat with an inflatable one if you wanna get into any club that doesn't have locked doors and guards.
- Vampire David Dickinson.
- Minnie Mouse in a tooth necklace with a staff clearly made out of the bones of Pluto.
- Optimus Prime in a Bride To Be sash.
- A giant TV with The One Show playing.
- Smurfette in a onesie and last night's make-up, with a cuddly Gargamel toy under her arm.

I'd suggest Female Ghostbuster, but I've seen the internet and I now know that's just TOO scary.

Spiders

I get why people are scared of spiders. They look like someone went mental in photoshop and copy-pasted legs and eyes and hairs until Guillermo del Toro got an erection.

Avril Lavigne

When you get a Snapchat of a wall...

We're not gonna get people involved in politics until politics stops being Dungeons & Dragons and starts being Game Of Thrones.

The Daily Mail: A Thing I Do Not Think Should Be A Thing

So. The Daily Mail.

Sorta like a gateway to far-right neo-fascism.

It doesn't say explicitly anything TOO far right - because that would put their fingerprints on it and after they came out supporting Hitler they don't wanna risk that kind of association again - but they nonetheless function as a racist propaganda leaflet full of deliberate misinformation.

Well.

When Stephen Colbert said "reality has a well known liberal bias", it was the perfect bit of satire. Because that's what The Mail DO. Craft lies until there is an alternate reality. And then sometimes they come out against something BECAUSE it's a lie, which serves to make themselves seem as if they have any scruples ABOUT lying to the public. Which they don't. At all.

But what makes it worse is they're not telling nice lies for good reasons (if that's even a thing). It's about creating conflict. Always conflict. Conflict sells papers.

And it goes on. THE YOUNGER GENERATION LISTEN TO SUICIDE MUSIC ABOUT CHEMICAL ROMANCES AND BLACK PARADES WHICH IS EVIL AND THE DEVIL AND MAKES THEM DEPRESSED.

THEY SMOKE WEED LIKE THE PEOPLE AT SCHOOL WITH YOU BUT IT'S STRONGER AND MORE DANGEROUS AND WILL KILL YOUR DAUGHTER AND OR SON.

IF YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE AT NIGHT YOU WILL BE MUGGED BY YOUNG PEOPLE DRINKING BECAUSE OF LABOUR.

They seek not to make people understand one another, but to breed distrust and concern and fear and TO DIVIDE.

And it's horrible and I hate it. And kids buy into it and that makes it worse somehow.

Because of all the things to give our children we give them misanthropy.

Ren & Goddamn Stimpy, Motherfuckers

I see SO MANY comedies SUPPOSEDLY aimed at grown ups. Take any Chuck Lorre show. The Big Bang Theory, Two And A Half Men. Take basically any comedy show on E4.

Now take Ren & Stimpy and Spongebob Squarepants. The jokes on those shows are SO MUCH smarter and funnier and just...

Like, seriously, guys. Take some fucking lessons. Ren & Stimpy has a SUPERHERO WHO LITERALLY CAN SAVE THE PRESIDENT FROM BAD GUYS but is more concerned with DELIVERING POWDERED TOAST which is BASICALLY THE WORST IDEA EVER.

Mr Horse mulls a question over for a long-ass time and then says "I think the President did... what the President had to do", which is the most fucking dumb political soundbite you will ever hear EXCEPT THE ONES YOU HEAR IN THE REAL WORLD.

Ren becomes a producer and then takes all the credit for Stimpy's work on a cartoon. IN A CARTOON. WITH AT LEAST ONE PRODUCER.

Cynical? Totally. Hilarious? YES.

A family brings home a baboon and then takes it in turn to GET MAULED BY THE BABOON, in the most casual, flippant, jovial fashion possible. Because the guy at the pet shop told them that was how it should be and they were too fucking dumb to go "hey... that doesn't sound OK..."

On top of all that it's a show about an abusive relationship and about how capitalists will ABUSE and EXPLOIT you for your last pennies.

That's the kind of shit other shows don't have the goddamn BALLS to talk about.

Selfies

Cheerleading.

The current polling is that Republicans will win enough elections in 2016 to take over the Senate and keep the House

Inspired, I suppose, by the GOP's message "It's Obama's Fault We're Hitting This With A Wrench."

Killing In The Name Of

When we execute people, the tears we shed are not for those we execute - we never met them, and they belong to the part of the population its easiest to turn a blind eye towards - but for the rest of us, and what it says about us.


That we are not even civilised enough to rise above killing.


What made you think it was THEIR soul we were battling for?

On Drugs

A lot of my friends smoke weed. A lot of my friends' parents smoke weed.

Some of my friends, and some of my friends' parents, do cocaine as well.

• I don't think my friends, nor their parents, belong in jail.


• I don't think my friends, nor their parents, are a danger to society that need to be taken out of it.


• I don't think my friends should have their parents taken away from them.

...But my friends and their parents are criminals.


This has always been my reasoning for why we need to end the war on drugs. If enforcing a law would tear apart society and put harmless people behind bars then I don't think that law should exist.